Kids These Days (Condescending Blog)

I haven’t blogged here in a while, so I’m going to take this opportunity to WAIL on a couple of “self proclaimed music critics” or “bloggers” as it were (see below). Now, it is obvious to me that these are young people (20-somethings), trying to find their place in the world. They are learning about who they are and the things that define them. I know it. I lived it: I wrote for VICE from the age of 20 to 25. That’s your SNARK PRIME. In your 20’s, it’s your time to be flippant and critical: you’ve only emerged from your teens (when you know everything about the world) and entered into a nascent adulthood. A time to illustrate to the world how much you really know, because now you have to pay rent and get a job and be responsible for yourself.  

So this is my rant, my response to these arrogant bloggers who say that my band is boring to watch live, (despite describing in the previous sentence how the whole crowd was singing along and how they felt an inexplicable energy in the room) but that they wouldn’t be interested in The Dears once they took that experience home. I call bullshit on their words. BULLSHIT.

Kids these days are emerging from a digital haze, of being bombarded with millions of songs and thousands of bands. I understand, it can be difficult to make heads or tails of anything. What is good? Who knows? Who can we trust? Today’s youth have been programmed to not follow their heart, but to follow the blogosphere. They are influenced by everything and everyone. How can they know about music when they’ve never really listened to anything? They can’t know until they are 35, because that’s when they begin to know themselves. Until then they are bombarded with a culture that is desperately trying to compete for their attention. They bring several floor toms and impossible instruments on stage. They have crazy, premeditated outfits and freak out on stage, because that’s how they think they should act. Otherwise how will they cut above the rest?

THANK GOD I “show my age” on stage. Do you know what that is called? DIGNITY.

On the flip side I thank the hundreds of other people who did enjoy the show! I admit it wasn’t our best show ever but it was loads of fun. And we got some great reviews from Spinner.com and Telescope Media. This blog even called us a “buzzband” which in my opinion, defies the very definition of the word.

And finally, I congratulate the young writers whom I have addressed here for being annoying enough to draw attention to themselves. You have succeeded in your task! You can read the “show reviews” written by “music fanatic” Shawn Burgess at THE iNDiE MACHiNE and also Lisa Lagace at TurnTheRecordOver.com. Thank you for farting all over everyone else’s experience (including mine), and for reluctantly enjoying the show! Please respond in the comments section below!

P.S. I reference God for effect and do not adhere to any him/her/it theology.

MUSICAL INTERPRETATION: Them Kids by Sam Roberts

Celebrity Bitchiness: Available Online

Ahh, the internet. Sometimes I love thee, other times, I loathe thee. Taking the general “wasting of time on the internet” down a notch is the task of reading the celebrity gossip blogs. It’s the equivalent of being at the airport, in the magazine store facing the dilemma: “Do I buy The Economist or Us Weekly?” And of course I almost always go for Us Weekly mainly because they have that fashion police section at the back.

Recently, while on the useless celebrity gossip tip, I was wowed by some really spicy meatballs like the embarrassment of Amy Winehouse’s boob implant leaking, the best Miley Cyrus diss ever, and a couple tour bus crashes ((1) and (2)) that always freak me out.

These are the PROS of celebrity gossip blogs. While the line between PROS and CONS is very fine, the CONS usually are the result of weak reporting or, dare I say, conjecture. Or taking a person’s words out of context. Since we are dealing with the scavengers and bottom-feeders of reportage (i.e. paparazzi), this shit happens all the time, and half the stories that are on the PROS list are probably sensationalized and/or falsified is some way. For example: why would they rent a bus to carry Britney’s equipment? That was most likely not a bus but a giant truck. But “bus” implies “passengers” and therefore the possibility of harm.

ANYWAY. The CONS: reading something stupid that someone said. And I’m not talking Courtney Love because that’s too easy. The other day I read this story about how Angelina Jolie apparently thinks President Barack Obama is all “smoke and mirrors” and I was like WTF is this? When was the last time anyone believed that a politician – especially an American president – was a straight up straight shooter? I’m sure these quotes made by Angelina are totally taken out of context and have a bit of broken telephone involved. But really, an ACTOR calling a POLITICIAN fake? They are practically in the same business: the suspension of disbelief.